The moment
by Tamarakv
Summary: Post cooler story...cuz all the cool kids are doing it. The moments between Nick and Jess that brought them to the kiss. In nicks POV


Author's Note: So here is my contribution to the post cooler episode. I know that just about everyone has written one, but I couldn't help myself. This is my first (maybe only) new girl fanfiction, I really love this show and was nervous to try and take on the characters, but like I said…couldn't help myself after the kiss. So please enjoy and leave me a little feedback to let me know what you think.

**The Moment **

He registered the sound of his door closing behind him with a nearly deafening click, could feel the thump thumping of his heart beating faster against his chest as the reality of what just happened...what he just walked away from, came crashing down around him in a rainstorm of second guessing, panic, and confusion.

He kissed her.

Jess. His roommate. His friend. His jess.

"No" his rattled brain screamed at him through the fog. Not his Jess. Sam's Jess. Nick took a deep breath through his nose and expelled it shakily out of his lips as he collapsed on top of his bed. Turning onto his back, he tried to erase the memory of Jess's wide eyes looking up at him, those big eyes that were twice the size of normal eyes, those clear blue eyes that always reminded him of an open sky without a cloud in sight. But when he thought back on those eyes...they weren't the color he was used to, that clear blue he had seen morning after morning peering at him over a cup of tea, open and free without a care in the world. Those jess colored eyes had darkened into something he'd never seen, a storm had settled over those carefree eyes, not with anger but with lust, a deep blue that almost seemed violet, filled with want, and need, but most importantly they were filled with questions...questions he didn't have the answers to, question he wanted and feared to ask himself.

Nick closed his eyes and rubbed them violently with the palm of his hands, trying in vain to erase the image of that look from his mind. But as if his memory was trying to punish him, other images came flooding through like a montage, moments locked in his memory of the nearly two years since this fairy princess fell off her sparkly rainbow and came crashing into his life, filling it with made up songs, fights and friendship.

Jess walking out of her room in that ridiculously sexy black dress of CeCe's, her hair piled high on her head. That was the first moment he knew he was attracted to her. The way she immediately broke into a spontaneous and horrible dance, that was the first moment he knew he wanted to protect her.

Jess walking from behind her closet door in that equally sexy purple number, ready and willing to pretend to be his girlfriend and date to a wedding that Caroline would be at, for no other reason than to help him. She barely knew him then and yet he knew he could depend on her. That was the moment he knew he didn't deserve her.

Jess standing naked in front of him, the woman he was planning on sleeping with completely forgotten as his eyes took in her every curve, every inch of creamy white skin, burning the image into his mind even though the gaze only lasted a few seconds at most. How badly he wanted to gather her into his arms. That was the moment he knew, no matter how hard he tried, jess would never be just a friend to him.

Jess yelling at him in the hall, telling him all the things she wanted to do to Paul. That was the moment he knew he didn't like her dating other men.

Watching jess sleep on the beach, the sun rising over the ocean and painting the sky in pastels that held promises of a better day, thinking about how much his life had changed since meeting her, picturing what it would be like to wake up beside her in bed every morning. That was the moment he was scared of what might be happening between them.

Jess and Russell. The moment he knew he would never be good enough for her.

How Jess would talk to him in that voice...low and sweet, tinted with a whisper of sadness, but always holding such strength when telling him something really important. How he hoped he was the only one to hear her sound that way. He would wonder if she knew the power she held when she used that voice to tell him things, things like how he deserved to be happy... to be loved...that she was going to be fine, because she had met him. Telling him that he wasn't broken.

Jess's smile, Jess's frown, Jess's voice, Jess's laugh, Jess's clothes, Jess's jokes, Jess's dances, Jess's pajamas, Jess's glasses, Jess's eyes, Jess's hair, Jess's outlook on life...Jess.

He knew how she had slowly forced her way past that wall he had so carefully built, how these moments happened and what they meant when added together, he was aware of his ever growing affection towards his roommate...but what he didn't know was when the hell he had lost the control. They had talked about this, talked about how they were friends but sometimes attracted to each other. Talked about how important what they had in this friendship was and what it meant to both of them. Control. He had always had control, maybe not of his life or his job or in love...but this thing with jess...it had been in control. It wasn't always easy, he sometimes had to watch what he said, or how he acted, how he touched her...or let her touch him. He would look at other women and not let himself measure them against her, he would support her and help her when she came to him with questions about her relationships...but, occasionally, at night he would allow himself to think about her, to imagine what it would be like to openly love her, to be loved by her in return. He would indulge in that dangerous game of what if...

What if they were together, what if they didn't hold on to their hangups or fears, what if he didn't let his failures in life, in relationships, in general, keep him from trying to be happy with her. Maybe that was where he had made his mistake, because he had imagined it. Imagined what it could be like...what it would be like between them. He had played the what if game with that moment, what if they kissed...what it would be like how it would happen, but even within his own game of what if, he had always had control.

But never in all the different scenarios had he given himself, had they been forced to kiss because of a dare, or some stupid drinking game, their friends and her boyfriend cheering them on in the background. He knew how that moment was supposed to happen and that wasn't it. He was use to things going wrong, not going the way he wanted, nick was use to disappointments... but he was not trading their first kiss, because at this point...it was no longer what if they kissed, but when they kissed...and he knew that when they kissed for the first time it would be on their terms. All those thoughts, moments, words, and dreams came to him at once...and he lost control.

"Not like this!" He knew the moment he said that he had damned himself. His insides twisted, his thoughts ran together, his words tripped over each other, and he had panicked.

He had laid in bed, wearing his trench coat hoping that the small amount of confidence it gave him would help him overcome the embarrassment he felt in that moment. He was angry. Angry at himself for the whole night, angry at how he came running when jess said "I need you". Angry that the thought of saying no to her never even crossed his mind. Angry at how he had allowed himself to lose control of what he said around her. Angry at Sam for being so unthreatened by him that the idea of Jess kissing him was funny. Angry that jess had once again kept him from sleeping with someone, angry that he didn't really care. Angry that Sam could suggest that he had no idea what he was missing... he knew exactly what he was missing.

"That's why I did it" he spoke into the silent room, calmly trying to convince himself of this excuse, thinking over all of these moments, and loss of control, and anger. He had heard her voice calling for him, not her boyfriend Sam, but him... letting him know that whatever it was that had scarred her...that had started this chain of events...was back, it gave him a sense of confidences that no trench coat ever could. Then it was just the two of them, no phantom fears, or coats of courage, no drinking games or boyfriends...just them, just jess with a smile on her lips and a sparkle in her eye, touching his arm and saying goodnight...and he lost it

He could smell the almond and vanilla of her shampoo, taste the flavor of her strawberry chap stick and something else that was distinctly Jess, he could hear the hitch in her voice as he deepened the kiss, felt the way that her body molded itself to his, the pressure of her arms around his neck, the feel of the her body as his hands traced it like a map, the softness and weight of her hair as his fingers tangled themselves in the unruly locks, how her lips felt like silk against his own, how he never wanted it to end...and it was better than anything he had ever dreamed in his games of what if. This was the moment that he first knew he was in trouble, because he didn't just like jess, he wasn't just attracted to her, he was in love with her...and he had kissed her, Jess his friend, Jess his roommate, Jess Sam's girlfriend...and there was no way she didn't know how he felt...because he had kissed her.

"Oh my God!"


End file.
